The couple seemingly tries to make every effort to have a civil break-up but throw in a cross country move to Los Angeles, advice from third parties and years of built up resentment and before you know it, their best laid plans spiral out of control.

Of course, there are some significant lessons from “A Marriage Story” that are worth sharing.  There were two scenes in particular that were full of relatable “a ha” one-liners:

Nicole’s Conversation with Nora: Nora, a divorce attorney asks Nicole to share her and Charlie’s story.  In tears, Nicole exclaims that Charlie isn’t a terrible person but as she goes on, it becomes clear that they have slowly grown in two different directions on their life paths.  Nicole shared how they met and how a part of her became alive when she was with Charlie. Then she goes on to share so many reflective gems:

•  “All the problems were there in the beginning too. I just went along with him and his life because it felt so damn good to feel myself alive” 

• Over time, she “had less and less weight” in the union and that she “got smaller” 

• Then she goes onto have an epiphany: “I realize that I had never really come alive for myself, I was just feeding his aliveness” 

• “I didn’t belong to myself” 

• “He just put me off” 

• “He truly didn’t see me…..he didn’t see me as something separate from himself”

The Fight between Nicole and Charlie: This scene takes place after the knock-down-drag-out court scene where the respective attorney’s basically ripped Nicole and Charlie to shreds. Nicole goes over to Charlie’s new LA apartment and what begins as a request to be flexible about changing a visitation date blows up to release years of resentment and 

• “I was your wife, you should have considered my happiness too”

• “You were happy, you’ve just decided you weren’t now”

• After Nicole reminds Charlie of their talks of moving to LA and his resistance, he claims, “ I was not privy to that thought process”

• “You’re fighting for something you don’t even want”

• “You’ll think you found some better opposite guy than me, but in a few years, you’ll rebel against him because you need to have your voice, but you don’t want a voice. You just want to fucking complain about not having a voice”

• “You gaslighted me? You’re a fucking villain!”

• “You want to present yourself as a victim because it’s a good legal strategy?”

• “You chose this life. You wanted it until you didn’t”

• “You always made me aware of what I was doing wrong, how I was falling short. Life with you was joyless”

• “You wanted so much so fast. I didn’t even want to get married”

• “You didn’t love me as much as I loved you”

And it gets worse :-(. This conversation made me cry but it is so familiar for both my past experiences as well as some of my client’s. I think that “A Marriage Story” is one film that every couple should see because it impactfully showcases the inside out dissolution of a relationship when people grow apart over the years. Just do yourself a favor and watch until the end 🙂

The post Lessons From “A Marriage Story” appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

When I say blue, I don’t mean clinical depression or anything that may require the help of a great therapist.  I just mean that the holidays don’t give me that warm and fuzzy feeling that everyone else seems to get. Call me a Scrooge, but December is my least favorite time of the year.  Although I haven’t been diagnosed with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), I am almost always on the count down until December is over.

By the time New Year’s rolls around….presto, change-o…..I’m back to my old self again 🙂 . If it’s not an option to take a long vacation in a remote area of the world where they DON’T celebrate December holidays, here are a few ways to minimize the holiday blues.

Work It Out – Yes, we’ve heard it all before…..working out increases endorphins and endorphins make you feel good (in my Halle Berry “Monster’s Ball” voice) but it’s actually true. Exercise (especially if it’s consistent) does wonders for your mood. While everyone is stuffing their face with turkey and ham, challenge yourself to get a jump-start on your fitness goals. If you can’t make it to the gym, watch a YouTube video on yoga (I love “Yoga with Adriene”) or pop in a DVD (Jillian Michaels has some great ones). You’ll experience the satisfaction of self-care and knowing that you’ve invested in your health and well-being.

Give, Give, Give – One way to get your mind and attention off yourself is to volunteer. December is a great month to volunteer your time and talents to those less fortunate.  Whatever cause you’re passionate about, probably has an organization that could use an extra set of hands during the holidays. 

Another way to give is to do an end-of-the-year purge and donate any clothes or household items that no longer serve you. As the adage goes, “one man’s junk is another man’s treasure”.  An added bonus is that you get a tax write off for your items.

Go Against the Holiday Status Quo – OK, so this next one is going to require some strength.  But here it goes…….don’t feel obligated to participate in all the pageantry of the holidays. This means gift exchanges, buying gifts, sending cards, potlucks, cooking a big meal, wearing ugly ass sweaters that your Aunt Sophie knitted, watching holiday movies, singing carols, overeating and the list goes on.  Society puts this pressure on us but it doesn’t mean, we have to take it.  

Sure, some people might call you Scrooge and say that you don’t have the holiday spirit, but if it makes you feel less stressed or anxious, who cares?  Give yourself permission to order a pizza on Christmas Eve, or watch scary movies, or whatever floats your boat. You have to look out for yourself and if having a non-traditional holiday season puts you in a better mental space, then go for it! You don’t owe anyone an apology for not following the holiday status quo.

Focus on the New Year – Make it your personal mission to focus on what’s beyond the holidays: a brand spanking new year full of opportunities. Decide what you what to do and what you want to accomplish next year and put your time and energy into strategizing for a kick-ass new year. Want to travel abroad in the coming year? Start researching flights, hotels, tourist attractions, restaurants, etc.  Want to change careers? Start researching associations, job boards, staffing firms, and target companies. Schedule January coffee dates with people you know who are already in that space to pick their brains.

Work on making a vision board or any other project that can get you ready to live your best year ever. Do whatever planning and legwork during December so that you’re ready to move forward with action in January.

If you think, feel or believe that you make be experiencing more than just the holiday blues, please do not hesitate to take care of yourself by seeking a therapist. But if you are experiencing mild winter blues, just know that this too shall pass…..

The post Holiday Blues (Replay) appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you” -Buddha

“Closure happens right after you accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.”-Sylvester McNutt

“Give the gift of your absence to those who do not appreciate your presence”-Unknown

“In any given moment, we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety” – Abraham Maslow

“Congratulations on quitting your job without being escorted out of the building” – As seen on a coffee mug on Etsy

“True friends don’t say good-bye, they just take extended leaves of absences from each other” – Unknown

“Sunsets are proof that endings can be beautiful too” – Beau Taplin

“When it hurts to move on, just remember the pain you felt hanging on” – Unknown

“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello” – Paulo Coehlo

“I think it’s important to realize you can miss something but not want it back” – Paulo Coehlo

“To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it” – Unknown

“Let go or be dragged” – Zen Proverb

“There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough” – Unknown

“Letting go isn’t a one-time thing, its something you have to do everyday, over and over again” – Dawson’s Creek

“At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life” -Unknown

“Sometimes you just have to erase the messages, delete the numbers and move on. You don’t have to forget who that person was to you; only accept that they aren’t that person anymore” – Unknown

“And the truth is, sometimes the only closure we can get from a relationship is time”-Unknown

“Letting go isn’t about forgetting; its about learning and moving on. It’s making a choice to be strengthened by your past…not strangled by it” – Steve Maraboli

The post Wise, Wonderful Words: Happy Endings appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

As the days went on it became harder and harder. I was thinking of going back to him since he had proclaimed to change. Of course, I did what most of us do….I poured my heart out to my closest girlfriends. While a couple of them judged me for even thinking about it, one of my friends gave me a piece of advice that I will never forget. She said something to the extent of, “Don’t make a decision now because you’re in pain. Give yourself 2 solid weeks of no contact and then see how you feel. You owe it to yourself to spend this time and space on YOU….before you decide.”

Sadly, I did not take my friend’s advice. I satisfied the immediate emotional longing and hoped that the misalignment of values would be corrected by my partner. I went back to this man. His lifestyle choice did not change as he promised. I was mentally kicking myself in the ass for compromising my values. As Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time”. I eventually ended the relationship a second time (for real, for real).

In hindsight, I think that two weeks would have made such a difference. I believe that giving myself the gift of time and space would have allowed me to:

1. Focus on my own healing, maybe seeking a coach to help me move forward.
2. Celebrate my self-discipline muscle getting stronger every day.
3. Express gratitude that I saw this nonsense BEFORE marriage and children.
4. Focus on lessons learned and how I can use those lessons in the future.
5. Not beat myself up for not seeing my exes’ lie sooner.
6. Indulge in a deeper level of prayer, meditation, and personal development.

The list of the ways that I could have maximized that time and space could go on and on. Although we can’t change the past, hopefully, this post will help someone else take the time and space needed to make potentially life-changing decisions.

The post The Gift Of Time and Space appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

As I reflect on this year, I realize that I have not accomplished nearly as much as I had set out but I am even more fueled to finish the year strong and kick ass in the coming year. To jump start my vow renewal, I decided to check out Jen Sincero’s best selling book “You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life”. I was blown aware by the wisdom, not to mention her down to earth, tell-it-like-it-is style of writing.

Here are my favorite quotes, reminders and lessons:

“And when our subconscious beliefs are out of alignment with the things and experiences we want in our conscious minds (and hearts), it creates confusing conflicts between what we’re trying to create and what we’re actually creating”

“The Universe will match whatever vibration you put out. And you can’t fool the Universe”

“The trick is to have both parts – energy and action – working in unison: unless your energy is lined up properly with that which you desire, really desire any action you take is going to require way more effort to get where you want to go, if it’s just you there at all”

“When we’re happy and all in love with ourselves, we can’t be bothered with the bullshit (our own or other peoples)”

“It’s about being proactive, about creating a life you love instead of meekly living the one you think you’re stuck with”

“Your job isn’t to know the how, its to know the what and to be open to discovering, and receiving, the how”

“You have to change your thinking first, and then the evidence appears. Our big mistake is that we do it the other way around. We demand to see the evidence before we believe it to be true”

“If you want to attract good things and feelings into your life, send awesomeness out to everyone around you”

“The more consistently you stay in gratitude and focus on that which is good, the stronger your connection to Source Energy is, and the more quickly and effortlessly you’ll be able to manifest that which is unseen into your reality”

“Release all expectations, let everyone off the hook, treat people as a blank slate over and over again, expect only the best from them regardless of what they’ve done in the past and you may be surprised”

“Our entire experience on this planet is determined by how we choose to perceive our reality”

“If something negative happens in your life, feel it, learn from it, let it go and get back to focusing on the light you’re excited to live”

“Because so often when we say we are unqualified for something, what we’re really saying is that we’re too scared to try it, not that we can’t do it”

“Procrastination is one of the most popular forms of self-sabotage because it’s really easy”

“If you want more time in your life, show time some respect”

“If you act like time isn’t important, that it’s fully worth wasting and disrespecting, you’re not in alignment with what you say you want so you’re gonna have a hard time getting it”

“Deciding that you can’t have something you need or want instantly cuts you off from the flow of manifesting it, as well as distances you from the part that lit you up about it in the first place. Once you think,
“I can’t”, The Universe is like, “Alrighty then, no assistance needed here, see you later”

The post My Favorite Lessons from “You are a Bad Ass”-Part One appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

“There’s only us

There’s only this

Forget regret-or life is yours to miss

No other road

No other way

No day but today”

Often times, I encounter people who live in the past. They are constantly thinking of how their lives would be different if they’d never married or if they’d taken that job transfer to China or if they would have had children.

We can all think of a hundred alternative routes through our life journey but the truth of the matter is: we are exactly where we are supposed to be! The longer live in regret and disappointment, the less time we have to enjoy THE PRESENT MOMENT.

These lyrics are a constant reminder that neither the past nor the future matters as much as TODAY. “If you don’t leave your past in the past, it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer not for what yesterday has taken away.”

The post No Day But Today appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

Years ago, I had one friend who was a drama magnet. Let’s call her “Stella” (not her real name, obviously). Stella was beautiful, funny, smart and outgoing. But there was always something going on in her life, some crisis that required that I drop everything and be there for her. Sometimes, I’d spend hours on the phone with her listening to her latest drama and helping her find her way through it. Whether it was trying to interpret a boyfriend’s Jedi mind tricks or coaching her through some corporate bullshit, I supported and encouraged my friend through a plethora of situations.

But on the flip side, when I was the one who needed a listening ear or advice or someone to help me through a situation, Stella either gave minimal support or she was missing in action. I was disappointed that my friend did not give to me what I gave to her. Quite frankly, it pissed me off. Over the years, many other Stella’s came and went and each time, disappointment escalated to resentment. Here’s what I learned (and continue to learn):

It wasn’t until years later that I had an epiphany that struck me like a bolt of lightening: STOP EXPECTING. People are who they are. Either accept them or find other like-minded people. I had set myself up for disappointment by expecting people to express themselves the way I do. The Stella’s of the world aren’t bad people, they just have a different way of thinking and acting. But that’s what makes diversity so wonderful, right? We’re all different and instead of being pissed that someone didn’t remember my birthday because I remembered theirs, I have learned to give people the benefit of the doubt and let it go.

I also realized and accepted that I AM ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHAT I GIVE. At any given time, I could have chosen to NOT answer the phone when Stella called, or I could have said “NO” when she needed something. Better yet, I could have chosen to invest my time, energy and effort to myself or a healthier, non-codependent friendship. I should not have been disappointed or resentful towards any of the Stella’s that I subconsciously invited into my life. I should have accepted responsibility for my acceptance of those relationships.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should expect full reciprocity when you give. But there is nothing wrong with having the confidence that you can count on someone as well. IT’S OK TO BE MINDFUL OF WHO YOU HAS YOUR BACK. In fact, it’s self-care. Life is full of Stella’s, it’s just the yin-yang dynamic of relationships but if you don’t protect your energy, who will?

This is a lesson that I have learned but am still learning. As the quote goes,

“When you learn to accept, instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.”

The post Great Expectations & 3 Ways to NOT To Have Them appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

1. “Forgive Them Father” – Lauryn Hill 
2. “Alright” – Ledisi 
3. “Mama Said Knock You Out” – LL Cool J
4. “Girls Around the World” – Lloyd 
5. “There But For the Grace of God” – Machine
6. “Uptown Funk” – Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars
7. “Shiver” – Maroon 5
8. “Sunday Morning” by Maroon 5
9. “Tangled” – Maroon 5
10. “Just Fine” – Mary J. Blige
11. “Work That” Mary J. Blige
12. “One” – Mary J. Blige featuring U2
13. “Sumthin’ Sumthin’ “- Maxwell
14. “All About That Bass” – Meghan Trainor
15. “Give It To Me Right Now” – Melanie Fiona
16. “Off the Wall” – Michael Jackson
17. “Drop Me in the Middle” – Natasha Bedingfield
18. “Not Giving Up” – Natasha Bedingfield
19. “Explode” – Nelly Fortado
20. “Forca” – Nelly Furtado
21. “No Hay Igual” – Nelly Furtado
22. “Hella Good” – No Doubt
23. “I Can’t Wait” – Nu Shooz
24. “Knocked Out” – Paula Abdul
25. “Happy” – Pharrell Williams
26. “Alphabet Street” – Prince
27. “Erotic City” – Prince
28. “I Know You Love Me” – Rachelle Ferrell
29. “What’d I Say” – Ray Charles
30. “Rent” – Rent Soundtrack
31. “La Vie Boheme A & B” – Rent Soundtrack
32. “Hard” – Rihanna
33. “Break It Off” – Rihanna
34. “C’est La Vie” – Robbie Nevil
35. “Got 2 Be Down” – Robin Thicke
36. “You Got Me” – The Roots
37. “Paradise” – Sade
38. “Nothing Can Come Between Us” – Sade
39. “Black and Gold” – Sam Sparro
40. “Freak Like Me” – Santigold
41. “The Real Thing” – Sergio Mendes
42. “Odo-Ya” – Sergio Mendes featuring Carlinhos Brown
43. “Give it Up to Me” – Shakira
44. “Keep on Moving” – Soul II Soul
45. “Optmistic” – Sounds of Blackness
46. “Master Blaster (Jammin)” – Stevie Wonder
47. “Higher Ground” – Stevie Wonder
48. “Dance Little Sister” – Terence Trent D’Arby
49. “Keep on Going” – Vivian Green
50. “Rescue” – Yuna

The post Soul Songs (Part II): 50 More “Feel Good” Songs appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

These songs make me move and motivate me to do anything from working out to cleaning house. Some of them might be familiar to you. If not, I encourage you to check ‘em out. You might find some new favorites J I’d love to hear your “feel good” soul songs.   Share them in the comments.

1. “Rock Wit U” – Alicia Keys
2. “Best Day of My Life” – American Authors
3. “Heard ‘em All” – Amerie
4. “Lovely Day” – Bill Withers
5. “I Wanna Be Down” – Brandy featuring MC Lyte, YoYo, & Queen Latifah
6. “24K Magic” – Bruno Mars
7. “Miss Me Blind” – Culture Club
8. “Danza Kuduro” – Don Omar & Lucenzo
9. “Strip Tease” – Danity Kane
10. “Let it Whip” – Dazz Band
11. “Mercy” – Duffy 
12. “Freedom” – Beyoncé featuring Kendrick Lamar
13. “Grown Woman” – Beyoncé
14. “Run the World (Girls)” – Beyoncé
15. “Dum Diddly” – Black Eyed Peas
16. “I Gotta Feeling” –Black Eyed Peas
17. “Pump It” – Black Eyed Peas
18. “Could You Be Loved?” – Bob Marley
19. “Jammin” – Bob Marley
20. “Living on a Prayer” – Bon Jovi
21. “Have a Good Time” – The Brand New Heavies
22. “Keep Together” – The Brand New Heavies
23. “Let’s Do It Again” – The Brand New Heavies
24. “Stomp” – Brothers Johnson
25. “Groove Is In the Heart” – Dee Lite
26. “Wild Boys” – Duran Duran
27. “Shape of You” – Ed Sheeran
28. “So Fly” – Elle Varner
29. “Lights” – Ellie Goulding
30. “Calabria” – Enur featuring Natasja
31. “Bump It” – Erykah Badu
32. “Danger” Erykah Badu
33. “Do My Thing” – Estelle featuring Janelle Monae
34. “Zombie” – Fela Soundtrack
35. “Everything Scatter” – Fela Soundtrack
36. “Din Daa Daa” – George Krantz
37. “Monkey” – George Michael
38. “Rich Girl” – Gwen Stefani
39. “Just an Illusion” – Imagination
40. “All Night Thing” – Invisible Man’s Band
41. “Pleasure Principal” – Janet Jackson
42. “If” –Janet Jackson 
43. “Who’s Laughing Now?” – Jessie J
44. “Blessed” – Jill Scott
45. “Green Light” – John Legend
46. “Hard Times” – John Legend and the Roots
47. “Girl, They Won’t Believe It” – Joss Stone
48. “Suddenly I See” – KT Tunstall
49. “Run the Show” – Kat De Luna
50. “Whine Up” – Kat Deluna

The post Soul Songs (Part I): My Top 50 “Feel Good” Songs appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.