We’ve already talked about the importance of compatibility and companionship in intimate partner selection but chemistry, although undervalued, is another factor that is equally important to the equation. Sexual chemistry is an undeniable attraction

So I’ll tell you a quick story: Once upon a time, a good girlfriend decided that she had the perfect guy in mind for me. I had gone through a pretty devastating breakup and after months and months and months of me lamenting over the toxic ex, all I wanted was to find a “good guy”. I didn’t care about looks or sex or anything other than compatibility, companionship, and commitment. So my friend hooked me up with her boyfriend’s best friend, a tall, chocolate brother from the east coast guy who was also looking for a good woman. We talked on the phone a few times (this was before Google or social media, back when phones still had cords – lol) and had deep and meaningful conversations so I was excited to meet him in person.

Sooo … we met at a restaurant and he arrived first. He was seated with his back to me. The waitress walked me to the table and when I saw him, I instantly knew that there was ZERO SEXUAL CHEMISTRY. I was not attracted to him. I felt no sparks. No pantie moisture. NOTHING. In fact, I was pissed that my friend thought I’d actually like this guy (even though she delivered exactly what I said I wanted: a good guy sans sex appeal). Of course, I was polite and continued on with the dinner because I really did enjoy the conversation. He was a poet and had a really sweet soul. He was kind and thoughtful. I had a really good time with him. After the date, I continued to see him, hoping that he would grow on me and that all of his positive qualities would outweigh the lack of sexual chemistry. It did not. Eventually, I ended things and felt like a shallow asshole (in my defense, I was in my twenties) but I realized that chemistry was more important than I originally thought.

I say all of that to say that everyone has their own formula for what makes a good partner. For some people, it might be 50% commitment, 25% compatibility, 15% companionship, and 10% chemistry. For someone else, it might be 25% of each. Be honest with yourself about what’s most important to YOU. Ok, here’s what you need to consider when thinking about sexual chemistry….

“You can’t force chemistry to exist where it doesn’t, the same way you can’t deny it when it does”

Sexual Chemistry

Sexual Attraction – Do you look at your partner and have a strong desire to make love? Do your vulva or nipples get the least bit excited when your partner engages you? Is there passion? Is there a connection? Is there a desire to touch or taste every part of his/her body? Yes, looks fade but there needs to be some baseline attraction to begin with.

Frequency of Sex – This is crucial. Of course, life circumstances (like stress, aging, or trauma) may change how often you want to have sex but communicating with your partner is key. I can’t tell you how many people say they want sex 7 days a week but are exhausted after Day 3. Don’t let your ego write a check your ass can’t cash – literally. Sidenote: In the beginning, when things are new and fresh, most couples fuck like jackrabbits but please understand that when the newness fades and you get into a comfortable groove, one or both of you may not want/need to make love as often. It’s ok. Just be real and stop pretending. I once had a client who used to ask her brother to invite her husband to workout after work in hopes that he’d be too tired to ask for sex when he returned home (she gave me permission to share this, by the way). If both people have different frequency levels, you have to find a happy medium that’s fulfilling for both.

Mental Stimulation (the beginning of foreplay) – People often forget that good sexual chemistry often begins in the mind, not the body. There is something to be said for a partner who can spark your imagination without ever touching you. It could be a look, a vibe, a conversation, a soul connection, or just the tenderness of feeling seen or heard.

“Chemistry is you touching my mind and it setting my body on fire”

Similar preferences around how adventurous (or conservative) you are – If one of you only likes missionary and the other wants to swing from the chandelier, you will definitely have to come to a happy medium that makes both of you comfortable. If your partner likes anal, and you don’t, you have to decide if that’s something you’re willing to compromise on. It is 100% ok to NOT want to compromise on things that make you uncomfortable. Just communicate and decide how important it is to you. I do not recommend doing something that makes you uncomfortable. This is why it’s important to communicate. Don’t feel compelled to pretend you like it just because the women in porn seem to love it. If you squirt and your partner hates it, he may not be the person for you. But talk about it. If you’re not comfortable having these types of conversations with your partner, you may not be ready to have sex.

PDA – Are you both on the same page about public displays of affection? I personally love hand-holding, hugs, and even kissing but I once had a partner who would squeeze my ass whenever other men were around, never mind that there may have been small children there. What are you comfortable with?

In my opinion, chemistry is not enough to sustain a relationship but it’s important to have the right amount to keep you intrigued and to keep the passion alive. What do you think? What percentage or priority level would you assign to all of the factors we’ve discussed (compatibility, companionship, chemistry)? Our final installment of this series will briefly discuss the importance of commitment.

Have you ever noticed that there are probably thousands of song lyrics, movie lines, and real-life stories about the supremacy of love in relationships? We are lead to believe that love conquers all. Yes, love is wonderful. Yes, love is magical. Yes, love is an essential ingredient to a relationship. But love is not enough. Most relationships don’t end because one or both parties experience a sharp decline in love. In fact, most people who part ways still love each other in some way, shape, or form. This alone confirms that love is not enough to sustain a healthy, fulfilling, intimate connection.

“What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

We place way too much value on love in comparison to the other ingredients that make for a solid partnership. From both my coaching experience and my personal experience, there are so many other elements (see below) that are often undervalued in the pursuit of being boo-ed up. Most of these fall under compatibility, companionship, chemistry, and commitment. This is not an exhaustive list and, of course, there are varying degrees of each ingredient, depending on priorities and preferences (for example, one person may value trust more than they do mutual interests while another person may find partnership more important than frequency of sex). The key to alignment is that the needs & expectations of each partner complement one another.

For now, let’s talk about compatibility. Take a look at these ingredients and see which ones you require for your love casserole.

Compatibility

Awareness of & Willingness to Manage each Other’s Emotional/Mental Health – I cannot emphasize enough the importance of mental health in relationships. It is one of the essential pillars of a healthy connection. Nowadays, we hear a lot more about narcissism, trauma, codependency, addictions, depression, and anxiety than we ever have before. It’s important to be transparent and proactive about the unique nuances of any mental health challenges involved in a partnership. Significant others need to have a clear strategy for how they will support/encourage a partner in managing his/her/their mental health. Partners also need to be aware of any triggers and manifestations of the condition (ex: some people with PTSD may need a remote getaway instead of 4th of July fireworks).

Similar Levels of Self-Awareness – My therapist once told me that if you’re meeting someone new, one of your first questions should be “what’s wrong with you?” In other words, what areas of opportunity are you aware of and currently working on (no judgment – nobody’s perfect). If the person says “nothing” or “I can’t think of anything”, it could mean that they lack self-awareness. If one person has strong self-awareness and the other person does not, it could present an imbalance.

Similar Values – This is a good one but is often overlooked. Ideally, you want someone who has similar values as you. Values can be anything from how you manage extended family dynamics (How close do you want to live to your inlaws? Whose family do you visit on Thanksgiving or Christmas?) to how/where you worship (Do you share similar religion/spirituality?) to how you raise your children (or if you even want children). If both people have values that don’t contradict the other’s, it eliminates a lot of frustration. If values are not aligned, there may likely be tension at some point.

Similar Communication & Conflict Resolution Styles – This is another thing that people often don’t recognize until they have a disagreement. How you communicate and how you disagree can make or break a union. It’s important to be aware of how you disagree or argue. Does one partner resort to sarcasm while the other person shuts down & abandons the conversation? Does one person yell while the other partner throws things? Does one person gaslight while the other person hits below the belt? Does one person thrive on conflict while the other gives the silent treatment? Being able to effectively navigate disagreements can go a long way in keeping the peace while still getting your point across. In the grand scheme of things, both parties should strive for resolution more than being right.

Complimentary Money Mindsets – How you view money is HUGE in a relationship, especially when sharing a home. In fact, differing financial philosophies are one of the top reasons that people part ways. Both people don’t have to be financial wizards but it’s important that you agree and stick to a plan for how you’ll spend, save or invest money. Some people say that you never really know your partner until you live together or travel together but sharing finances is another way to really get to know your partner’s priorities and habits. Being honest and on the same page about debt, credit histories, savings, giving/tithing, investments, income, spending patterns and financial goals is a good way to mitigate money challenges. It’s also critical to decide whether you will share a bank account or have separate ones. Talk about purchases (hiding Amazon packages in the garage is not a good idea), create budgets/spending plans and goals together so that you have a shared vision of what you’re working towards.

Understanding & Acceptance of Attachment Styles – If you haven’t read the book “Attached”, check it out. In fact, try to read it with your partner. It’s based on the theory that people connect, bond, and relate to others in one of three styles: anxious, avoidant, or secure, depending on upbringing and other social influences. Similar to the Love Languages, “Attached” shares that understanding of what type of intimate partner you and your mate are. Knowing your style may be helpful in gaining a deeper understanding and empathy. Take the quiz on www.attachedthebook.com. Here is a tiny snippet of the 3 styles:

• Anxious – extremely preoccupied with the relationship
• Avoidant – values their own independence over partner intimacy
• Secure – very comfortable w. partner intimacy

I’d love to hear from you about what you think are key ingredients for a successful relationship. If you could create the recipe for your most fulfilling intimate relationships, what ingredients would you add?

Recently, I was talking to a coaching client about the Johari Window, an exercise that helps people to gain an understanding of who they are and how they are perceived by others. This exercise is usually done in teams or groups that know and interact with each other regularly. Each participant compiles a list of adjectives that describes themselves and a second list that describes the other team members. From there, each person places the adjectives in one of the four quadrants of human interactions for themselves and the others. The four quadrants that make up the Johari Window are:

• Arena (traits that are known to you and known to others) Ex: I see myself as being compassionate and others would agree.
• Blind Spots (traits that are not known to you but known to others) Ex: Others say that I am methodical but I do not see myself that way.
• Facade (traits that are known to you but not known to others) Ex: I see myself as eccentric but others don’t perceive me that way.
• Unknown (traits that are not known to you or others)

 Of course, I thought about how this could apply to intimate partners, friends, and family. The more I thought about it, the more I wonder how many people have enough self-awareness to genuinely say that they know themselves (hint: if there are an extreme amount of blind spots, you may not be as self-aware as you think). Self-awareness can be defined as the capacity to see one’s self (the good, the bad, and the ugly) objectively including character traits and patterns. It’s not always easy to accept the parts of us that we find unattractive. No one wants to acknowledge that they are jealous or controlling or selfish or needy but awareness is the first step to loving and healing those traits into submission. Speaking of love, we often talk about self-love but I believe that you can’t love what you don’t know.

“Yes, love yourself. But also analyze and be critical of how you think, act, and behave. Self-love without self-awareness is useless. Be accountable”
– Unknown

 Be intentional in discovering every corner of your essence. Study your thoughts, your emotions, your actions, and reactions. Study how you carry yourself in the world. Study the motives behind your goals and ambitions. Study hidden agendas that lie in the depths of your soul. Study your fears and insecurities. Study your patterns and habits.

I’ve always found it interesting that when discussing relationship challenges – intimate, family, friendships, or work – one of the first things that people express frustration with is the other person, never the quality or characteristic about themselves that may have contributed to their discontent. Look inward, not outward. There is a wealth of wisdom about you within you.

“If you are ever tempted to look outside yourself for validation, you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own.”
– Epictetus

In the spirit of spring-cleaning, I wanted to talk a little bit about identifying and releasing relationships that no longer serve you. Many of my clients have come to the crossroads in romantic relationships, friendships, and work relationships.

I usually tell people to trust their intuition. Nine times out of ten, if you are questioning a relationship, it’s worth exploring what the issue is and whether or not you should remain in the relationship.

Here are a few things to consider when you’re deciding if a relationship is worth saving or if you should make your exodus.

Just because you forgive someone, does NOT mean you’re obligated to stay in the relationship. If a friend, lover, or even an employer has betrayed you or let you down in a major way, you have to learn to forgive but you can choose to remove yourself from the relationship. It doesn’t mean that your forgiveness isn’t genuine, it just means that you choose to NOT risk possible future betrayals. You know what they say, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”

Recognize how you FEEL when you’re with the person. If you feel uneasy or that you have to walk on eggshells or that you have to constantly get approval from a friend, significant other, or employer, ask yourself why. Try to pinpoint what you’re feeling and WHY you could be feeling this way. Think of specific examples of things that the person has said or done that cause you to feel this way. Sometimes, it’s us. Sometimes, it’s them. Either way, you owe it to yourself to get clarity.

Is this person a master manipulator? This is usually one of the more subtle qualities of a dysfunctional relationship and it’s often harder to put your finger on it. Usually, manipulative people, do things like:

• turn your words around to use them against you
• constantly blame “miscommunication” on things they’ve said that you called them on
• sometimes make you feel as though you’re confused or crazy
• they pout and give you the silent treatment if they don’t get their way

Emotional abuse is still ABUSE. I am astounded at the responses of people who encourage others to stay in a relationship if there is no physical abuse. People fail to realize that verbal and emotional abuse are also very damaging to the heart, mind, and soul. If you believe that, you are verbally or emotionally abused by a significant other, friend or employer, DO NOT TAKE IT LIGHTLY. Begin to separate yourself from the person or situation and understand that you don’t have to subject yourself to abuse from anyone. As cliché as it sounds, love yourself more than you love the relationship or situation. Don’t break your own heart by staying!

As a life coach, my number one hope is that everyone works on him or herself and becomes happy and healthy and whole as individuals first. My number two hope is that these same happy, healthy whole people have happy, healthy, whole relationships with other happy, healthy, whole people 🙂

Is it me or is 2021 flying by? It actually feels like a continuation of 2020 except with a Covid 19 vaccine and a new administration 🙂 As we wrap up this month, I wanted to share some insightful quotes about the idea that’s on everyone’s mind in February: love….self-love. I hope that at least one of these quotes resonates with you.

“I learned a long time ago that the wisest thing you can do is be on my own side” – Maya Angelou

“Talk to yourself like someone you love” – Brene Brown

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are an entire ocean in a drop” – Unknown

“She remembered who she was and the game changes ” – Lala Deliah

“You have so much to offer as the person you are right now” – Robyn Conley Downs

“Work on you, for you” – Unknown

“I will celebrate this life of mine, with or without you. The moon does not need the sun to tell her she is already whole” – Lang Leav

“What you’re looking for is not out there. It is in you.” – Unknown

“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens” – Louise Hay

“Recognize that ‘unlearning’ is the highest form of learning”- Rumi

“The moment you understand the importance of loving yourself, you will stop hurting others” – Thich Nhat Than Hanh

“Develop a strong opinion of yourself so you don’t accidentally start believing what others say about you” – Unknown

“My dear, make self-love your religion and never stop practicing” – Becca Lee

“Your heart truly deserves the priceless feeling of unconditional love that can only come to you from you” – Edmond Mbiaka

I know that some of us (not me, btw) are still on the post-Valentine’s Day high but I want to talk about something a little heavier than usual.

Earlier today someone posted something on IG re narcissism and it reminded me of how popular that term has become. I’ve written about it and also did an IG video way back when. I think that the reason the term is so trendy and popular is that we are coming into a new realization of the characteristics of narcissism. We have a name for it now (before, we used to just consider someone selfish or self-centered).

Most of us have had at least one “a ha” moment when thinking of a partner, friend, or even a colleague who might have some of those characteristics. When you think of people with narcissistic tendencies, we can’t help but think of trauma bonds, which is what I want to dive into today.

Of course, I am a coach (and NOT a licensed therapist) but I wanted to provide a little insight on trauma bonds, based on the experiences of my clients, friends, and my own personal experiences. I am not offering mental health advice or insight. I am simply sharing some thoughts that might be helpful for you or anyone that you know who is involved in this type of relationship dynamic.

What are trauma bonds? Trauma bonds can best be described as the proclivity for two opposing personalities (usually a codependent empath and a narcissist) to engage in an unhealthy relationship that usually involves emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse. These two individuals are usually drawn to each other like a moth to a flame.

There is a powerful, intense, and obsessive attraction that is characterized by manipulation, minimization, control, enablement, destruction, loss of self-identity, criticism, dependency, chaos, self-betrayal, and an unpredictable roller coaster of emotions. The empath may often put their partners’ needs ahead of their own and may even stay after repeated abuse.

Why do they occur? Often time, the root of trauma bonds involves the empathetic, codependency partner having a history of experiencing similar emotional abuse. Subconsciously, people who are vulnerable to trauma bonds may be drawn to the familiarity of an unhealthy or toxic past (perhaps they had a parent or another figure with similar narcissistic tendencies).

This is one of the reasons why empaths tend to attract narcissists and vice versa – the duality of trauma bonds. Trauma bonds are often confused with love and difficult to recognize while you’re in the relationship but often friends and family will notice that the relationship is unhealthy.

Why is it important to identify them? It’s important to identify trauma bonds in an effort to mitigate or minimize extensive emotional damage. Breaking the addictive cycle of trauma bonds allows each person the opportunity to recover by flooding themselves with awareness and self-preservation (not to mention therapy, if you’re open to that) so that they can begin to recognize healthy, authentic love. This also means that their children may have better examples of what it means to be in a healthy relationship.

How can we break cycles of trauma bonding? Accepting and recognizing that your partnership is a trauma bond is the essential first step. Educating yourself on concepts like gaslighting, manipulation, love bombing, triangulation, toxicity, etc. The next step involves developing a deep conviction that you want to break the cycle for once and all. This involves a new level of self-love and self-preservation. In my opinion, therapy is an essential tool in leaving (and staying away) from individuals with whom you’re likely to have a trauma bond. And finally, the individual who leaves should be prepared for a strong reconciliation effort from their partner. This could show up as begging, stalking, a burst of anger and rage, threats, and other responses to rejection.

This recovery process doesn’t happen overnight but it is worth it to break the cycle and begin to rekindle a new level of protection, boundaries, and self-advocacy.