The couple seemingly tries to make every effort to have a civil break-up but throw in a cross country move to Los Angeles, advice from third parties and years of built up resentment and before you know it, their best laid plans spiral out of control.

Of course, there are some significant lessons from “A Marriage Story” that are worth sharing.  There were two scenes in particular that were full of relatable “a ha” one-liners:

Nicole’s Conversation with Nora: Nora, a divorce attorney asks Nicole to share her and Charlie’s story.  In tears, Nicole exclaims that Charlie isn’t a terrible person but as she goes on, it becomes clear that they have slowly grown in two different directions on their life paths.  Nicole shared how they met and how a part of her became alive when she was with Charlie. Then she goes on to share so many reflective gems:

•  “All the problems were there in the beginning too. I just went along with him and his life because it felt so damn good to feel myself alive” 

• Over time, she “had less and less weight” in the union and that she “got smaller” 

• Then she goes onto have an epiphany: “I realize that I had never really come alive for myself, I was just feeding his aliveness” 

• “I didn’t belong to myself” 

• “He just put me off” 

• “He truly didn’t see me…..he didn’t see me as something separate from himself”

The Fight between Nicole and Charlie: This scene takes place after the knock-down-drag-out court scene where the respective attorney’s basically ripped Nicole and Charlie to shreds. Nicole goes over to Charlie’s new LA apartment and what begins as a request to be flexible about changing a visitation date blows up to release years of resentment and 

• “I was your wife, you should have considered my happiness too”

• “You were happy, you’ve just decided you weren’t now”

• After Nicole reminds Charlie of their talks of moving to LA and his resistance, he claims, “ I was not privy to that thought process”

• “You’re fighting for something you don’t even want”

• “You’ll think you found some better opposite guy than me, but in a few years, you’ll rebel against him because you need to have your voice, but you don’t want a voice. You just want to fucking complain about not having a voice”

• “You gaslighted me? You’re a fucking villain!”

• “You want to present yourself as a victim because it’s a good legal strategy?”

• “You chose this life. You wanted it until you didn’t”

• “You always made me aware of what I was doing wrong, how I was falling short. Life with you was joyless”

• “You wanted so much so fast. I didn’t even want to get married”

• “You didn’t love me as much as I loved you”

And it gets worse :-(. This conversation made me cry but it is so familiar for both my past experiences as well as some of my client’s. I think that “A Marriage Story” is one film that every couple should see because it impactfully showcases the inside out dissolution of a relationship when people grow apart over the years. Just do yourself a favor and watch until the end 🙂

The post Lessons From “A Marriage Story” appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

When I say blue, I don’t mean clinical depression or anything that may require the help of a great therapist.  I just mean that the holidays don’t give me that warm and fuzzy feeling that everyone else seems to get. Call me a Scrooge, but December is my least favorite time of the year.  Although I haven’t been diagnosed with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), I am almost always on the count down until December is over.

By the time New Year’s rolls around….presto, change-o…..I’m back to my old self again 🙂 . If it’s not an option to take a long vacation in a remote area of the world where they DON’T celebrate December holidays, here are a few ways to minimize the holiday blues.

Work It Out – Yes, we’ve heard it all before…..working out increases endorphins and endorphins make you feel good (in my Halle Berry “Monster’s Ball” voice) but it’s actually true. Exercise (especially if it’s consistent) does wonders for your mood. While everyone is stuffing their face with turkey and ham, challenge yourself to get a jump-start on your fitness goals. If you can’t make it to the gym, watch a YouTube video on yoga (I love “Yoga with Adriene”) or pop in a DVD (Jillian Michaels has some great ones). You’ll experience the satisfaction of self-care and knowing that you’ve invested in your health and well-being.

Give, Give, Give – One way to get your mind and attention off yourself is to volunteer. December is a great month to volunteer your time and talents to those less fortunate.  Whatever cause you’re passionate about, probably has an organization that could use an extra set of hands during the holidays. 

Another way to give is to do an end-of-the-year purge and donate any clothes or household items that no longer serve you. As the adage goes, “one man’s junk is another man’s treasure”.  An added bonus is that you get a tax write off for your items.

Go Against the Holiday Status Quo – OK, so this next one is going to require some strength.  But here it goes…….don’t feel obligated to participate in all the pageantry of the holidays. This means gift exchanges, buying gifts, sending cards, potlucks, cooking a big meal, wearing ugly ass sweaters that your Aunt Sophie knitted, watching holiday movies, singing carols, overeating and the list goes on.  Society puts this pressure on us but it doesn’t mean, we have to take it.  

Sure, some people might call you Scrooge and say that you don’t have the holiday spirit, but if it makes you feel less stressed or anxious, who cares?  Give yourself permission to order a pizza on Christmas Eve, or watch scary movies, or whatever floats your boat. You have to look out for yourself and if having a non-traditional holiday season puts you in a better mental space, then go for it! You don’t owe anyone an apology for not following the holiday status quo.

Focus on the New Year – Make it your personal mission to focus on what’s beyond the holidays: a brand spanking new year full of opportunities. Decide what you what to do and what you want to accomplish next year and put your time and energy into strategizing for a kick-ass new year. Want to travel abroad in the coming year? Start researching flights, hotels, tourist attractions, restaurants, etc.  Want to change careers? Start researching associations, job boards, staffing firms, and target companies. Schedule January coffee dates with people you know who are already in that space to pick their brains.

Work on making a vision board or any other project that can get you ready to live your best year ever. Do whatever planning and legwork during December so that you’re ready to move forward with action in January.

If you think, feel or believe that you make be experiencing more than just the holiday blues, please do not hesitate to take care of yourself by seeking a therapist. But if you are experiencing mild winter blues, just know that this too shall pass…..

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I believe in the transformative, healing power of music.

A good song can give your mood a make-over and make your spirit soar. Good music is even better when it’s complemented by kick-ass lyrics.  Earlier this year, pop singer and rapper Lizzo released her third album, “Cuz I Love You” which features some pretty dope tracks like “Truth Hurts” and “Juice.” I also love the playful yet empowering track, “SoulMate”, a song that’s been on repeat since I first heard it.

Here’s why I love this song….

“Cause I’m my own soul mate

I know how to love me

I know that I’m always going to hold me down

Yeah, I’m my own soul mate

No, I’m never lonely

I know I’m a queen but I don’t need no crown

Look up in the mirror like damn she’s the one…..”

 

“And she never tells me to exercise

We always get extra fries

And you know the sex is fire

And I gotta testify

I get flowers every Sunday

I’mma marry me one day”

 

“True love ain’t something you can buy yourself

True love finally happens when you by yourself

So if you by yourself, then go and buy yourself

Another round from the bottle on the higher shelf”

-Lizzo

The message of the song goes back to the whole concept of self-realization and self-love.  At the expense of sounding like a broken record, almost every perplexing situation or relationship can be traced back to whether or not we truly love and protect ourselves. Until we master the art of authentically knowing and embracing ourselves (flaws and all), there will be a you-shaped void in your life that no one else can fill.

If you haven’t heard this track, this blog post does not do it justice. Do yourself a favor and check it out. Even if it’s not your preferred genre, you’ll appreciate the message 🙂

The post Why Lizzo’s “SoulMate” Is the Quintessential Empowerment Anthem appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

Most of us have seen this couple as the epitome of “relationship goals”. On the outside, they seem to have it all … a perfect partnership, passion & romance, two wonderful daughters, a huge home, great careers, and a close-knit extended family. They have their disagreements  (as most couples do) and seem to be on opposite ends of the spectrum sometimes but overall, they seem to compliment and balance each other well.

That is, until Season 3, Episode 17, aptly entitled “R&B”. This episode reveals a deeper layer by looking into some of the pivotal moments of their relationship. In each of those moments, it was clear (at least from the outside looking in) that there was something unresolved that festered over the years and eventually built up to an explosive encounter.

Beth’s role in the dynamic “R&B” duo has been the supporter, the cheerleader, the partner who brings her husband’s vision to life, even if she wasn’t actually doing cartwheels about said vision. Here’s a brief recap of three seasons of Randall and Beth’s story.

Randall finds his biological father, William & soon discovers that he’s dying of cancer. He decides that we wants his father to move in with their family. Beth complies.

Eventually William dies and naturally, Randall grieves. During this grief, he remembers his father’s “carpe diem” advice. So Randall quits his high-paying job and then tells Beth. Beth agrees to hold down the fort, even if it meant working hella overtime to compensate for the lost income.

Next on the Randall Show, he begins to long for another baby. Beth speaks up this time. She is not on board. Eventually not being on board with fostering/adopting becomes not being on board with an actual infant so they compromise and foster (and eventually adopt) an older child.

Then, Randall begins to reconnect with the community where William lived. Wanting to make a difference in the apartment building, Randall decides to use their savings to buy the building. Beth complies. And of course, in his quest to fix everything, he realizes that the councilman does very little to improve the community (although everyone knows and likes him). So guess who decides to run for councilman! Yep, Randall.  Beth is leery but agrees to support his candidacy with the caveat that he would quit if it got to be too much.

Soon after, Beth is laid off from her job and begins to show signs of depression (she actually cried about the loss of her previous job while in a job interview) despite her stoic attempt to hold it together. Unfortunately, Randall doesn’t even notice until his new daughter points it out to him.  

With Beth’s job loss, a newly adopted daughter and another daughter who has just expressed that she’s lesbian, the Pearson household is in heavy transition. So Beth decides that it’s time to throw out her veto card. She asks her husband to quit the campaign. Randall does NOT comply.

And the final blow to this house of cards happens when Beth goes home to see her Mom and has an epiphany that she wants to return to her dream of dancing.  She goes home, giddy with optimism and excitement and tells Randall that he wants to be a dance teacher. This is the most excited we’ve ever seen Beth. She is literally beaming with joy. And Randall says “great” and then later he asks her to defer her dream so that he can continue to pursue his new role as councilman while she holds down the fort … again.

I have been Beth more times than I can count so I empathize with this character’s constant decision to focus on the greater good, at the expense of her own desires and passions.  

So fast forward to the “R&B” episode, here are some of the moments that led up to this volatile moment in Randall and Beth’s relationship.

1. 1. The First Date – Randall unloaded some personal struggles (TMI for a first date), ignored the fact that the waiter was clearly racist and was adamant about staying at the fancy restaurant when all Beth wanted was nachos and ginger beer. She basically told him to lose her number and he went home thinking that she was “the one”. Totally different perspectives.
   2. Sunday Dinners-There was little flexibility for them to spend their Sundays any other way except family dinners with Randall’s Mom. When Beth suggested mini golf-guess who came along……yep, Mom.
   3. Heavily Coerced Multiple Proposals– Seven years into their courtship, Randall had proposed to Beth several times. She declined so that she could take some time to find her career path and establish herself. During a heated mini-golf conversation, Randall guilt trips her and then withdraws. After a talk with Randall’s Mom, Beth decides to accept his next proposal.
   4. The Wedding Vows- Randall and Beth are writing and revising their wedding vows at the very last minute. At some point, Randall realizes that his vows don’t even mention Beth specifically. It was more of a “dissertation on marriage”. That’s a huge red flag that despite his love for her, he chooses to share his ideas about his vision of marriage vs. sharing his undying love for her as an individual.
   5. The Nacho Epiphany – As the marriage continues, one night Randall and Beth are awake with their crying newborn. After the baby falls asleep, they head to the kitchen to chat over Beth’s favorite food, nachos. As they both eat the nachos and talk about life, Beth makes the analogy about how some people always take the biggest, most perfect nachos and leaves the broken off pieces for others. Zoom in on the bowl and it looks like Randall has done just that….left the broken nacho pieces for Beth. This was a perfect example of their relationship.
   6. Beth’s “Calgon, Take Me Away” Moment– Fast forward to the present day, Beth comes to the kitchen where Randall, his brother Kevin and William are laughing and talking in the kitchen while making a big mess as they make breakfast. Beth says that she’s going to a one day conference and would be back the next day. Later, Randall and William are out and about and run into Beth at the grocery store where she is stocking up on snacks. Randall confronts her and she admits that she lied about the conference so that she could check into a hotel and have one night alone, without mommy duties, caretaker duties or wife duties (her previous requests for a break fell on Randall’s deaf ears). He guilt-trips her and she decides to go back home with him. Instead of encouraging her to proceed with her much needed night of “me time”, they go home together so Beth doesn’t get her Calgon moment.

So here’s where the lesson comes in. Over the years, I have learned to be my own advocate and self-preservation warrior, mainly as a result of complying and agreeing and supporting the greater good of the relationship, even it meant making huge sacrifices. In the episode, I believe Beth calls is bending. I have learned the hard way that it’s not healthy for me to constantly bend, especially when it means putting my needs on the backburner.

In the case of Randall and Beth, most people will say that Beth could have exercised free will and not went along with all of Randall’s demands and ideas. As women, there is a delicate balance between standing up and rolling over. We have a deeply ingrained instinct to support and make the lion’s share of the sacrifices. From childhood, girls are given baby dolls to nurture and take care of. Boys are given Tonka trucks and legos to build shit.  In adulthood, women continue to nurture while men continue to build.

And yes, I know that times have changed and women are doing so much more building and creating and envisioning but the reality of our bullshit patriarchal society is that we rarely have a 50/50, equal partnership. In a relationship, one person usually carries more of the weight and it’s usually women.

Beth is a giver and Randall (although he loves her), is totally fine with being the taker (hence the nacho analogy). On some subconscious level, I believe that Randall is totally aware of how much Beth is bending but it serves him and his needs.  The fact that he is ok with her bending until she damn near breaks is not ok. She submits for the greater good of her beloved.

But when is it Randall’s turn to bend?

“Some people will take until you have nothing left and then hold a grudge against your hands for being empty”

– Rudy Francisco

The post What I Learned From Beth Pearson (spoiler alert) appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

I know, I know … self-love seems like another one of those buzz words that we’re used to seeing on Instagram quotes, on t-shirts or maybe even hearing about it from pop culture icons and celebrities.  What self-love is not is superficial. It is not conditional. It is not an external “love” that focuses on the physical. In other words, having a bad hair day or not liking the way your ass looks in certain jeans is not necessarily associated with a lack of self-love.

But what does self-love mean exactly? In its purest form, self-love is a deep and divine conviction and appreciation of our value, our worthiness and our unique humanity, flaws and all. This deep and divine conviction and appreciation, if nurtured, will inevitably lead to actions that influence all facets of life including (but not limited to):

• Who we date, love and possibly marry
• Which friends we choose to be a part of our circle
• How we earn a living
• How we parent and influence our children
• How we care for ourselves-body, mind, and spirit

Yep, self-love is the foundation of so many life choices and decisions. I have to admit, I can think of plenty of times in my life when my decisions were a HUGE reflection of my lack of self-love. At times I valued and prioritized partners, friends, jobs, and even societal expectations more than I valued and prioritized myself. I can totally relate to the James Baldwin quote, “It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself and half-believed before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.”

Romantic relationships have been the biggest mirror, showing me my own self-love deficiencies. After years of attracting misaligned partners, I had to look at myself as the common denominator and become aware of the fact that I wasn’t loving myself as deeply as I needed to so how could I expect them to?

“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you”

– Rupi Kaur

In this age of the strong, independent, and empowered woman, it’s not easy to be vulnerable enough to admit that we do not love ourselves as completely and unapologetically as we should. But we must become aware of and intentional in our pursuit of authentic self-love. I have definitely fallen short in my love for me over the years but I continue to grow in this area because I know that it makes a huge impact on the choices and decisions that make up my life. So while we’re thinking about hearts and cupid and celebrating love this Valentine’s Day, let’s be sure to take time to honor and appreciate ourselves.

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs, and habits – anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-love”

– Kim McMillen

The post Self-Love On the Brain appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

1. Save more, spend less
2. Spend more time with family & friends
3. Lose Weight
4. Live a healthier lifestyle
5. Enjoy life to the fullest (good old carpe diem)

Do any of these sound familiar? OK … moment of truth … have you made any of these resolutions for multiple years?  Trust and believe, you are not alone. Drinking 8 glasses of water a day was one of my resolutions for at least 4 or 5 years.  

I want to challenge you to get rid of resolutions. Instead, start a REVOLUTION.  By revolution, I mean make a radical commitment to do something that’s going to make the new year different than any of those other years where you’ve recycled your new year’s resolution.

Here are a few ways to start your own New Year’s Revolution:

1. Find & focus on ONE revolutionary goal – Don’t overwhelm yourself with a long, laundry list  & try to do EVERYTHING (gym every day, going vegan, save money, get a promotion, travel to 10 cities).  Don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. When you have too many things you’re focused on, you lose momentum quickly because your attention is all over the place. Instead, laser focus onto ONE GOAL that you can realistically accomplish this year. There is nothing wrong with thinking big but focus on one, core objective for the year. Break it down into smaller baby steps if you need to but be sure to take action every single day.
2. Be honest with yourself: How badly do you want it? When you’re deciding what you want to accomplish this year, be sure to ask yourself if it’s a wish or a want.  A wish is just a passing thought but a want is something you’re willing to execute. Personally, I wish that I could sing well … but the way my voice is set up, “happy birthday” is the only thing you’ll ever hear me sing out loud. I am not willing to take voice lessons, do daily vocal exercises, learn to read music or anything else required to be a good singer. Therefore, this is just a wish for me, not a true, genuine want.  Make sure that your goal is something that you really want, something you’re passionate about, something that scares you a little, something that is going to change the trajectory of your life.

3. Honor Your Promise To Yourself. Throughout this year, as you’re working towards your revolutionary goal, remember that this goal is a promise to yourself.  In the same way we make promises to everyone else, we have to permit ourselves to keep that promise.  Promise yourself that this year will NOT be like the others with broken resolutions and regret and disappointment. Keeping your promises to yourself is part of self-care and if you don’t take care of yourself, who will?  Make it non-negotiable! LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to honor your promise to yourself.

Look at today’s date. While you are on this journey, obstacles will come. It’s inevitable! But here are some strategies to help you navigate them and build your resilience muscle.

4.   Turn Your Stumbling Blocks Into Stepping Stones – Try to find some value in whatever obstacles you encounter.  Instead of lamenting, ask yourself, “how can I learn from this?” or  “what can I do differently next time? We all know the stories of how Walt Disney was turned down over 300 times before he got financing to create Disneyland. Or how Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. John Sinclair says, “Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo”. Life may throw you an unexpected turn and you may need to hit the pause button but whatever you do, don’t stop!  When you’re ready to get back on track, use that pain to fuel you. Take that energy and use to it persevere towards your goal. Be the resilient phoenix who rises from the ashes.
5.  Remember your WHY – Another thing you can do to practice resilience it to remember your WHY. If you haven’t seen the Simon Sinek Ted Talk called “Start with Why”, be sure to Google it and check it out.  When things get tough on this journey, remember WHY you wanted this goal in the first place! Why is it important? What’s it going to do for you? How’s it going elevate you to the next level? What will your life look like if you don’t achieve it?
6. Elevate & Motivate Your Damn Self. Mary Holloway says, “Resilience is knowing that YOU are the only one that has the power & responsibility to pick yourself up”.  Yes, we all need a supportive tribe, a community of people who love and believe in us but at the end of the day, your goal belongs to YOU. It’s no coincidence that your goal was placed on your heart – it’s your vision/purpose…no one else’s so you can’t always rely on others to be your cheerleader or to keep you on track.  Invest in yourself and work towards your goal, even when times are tough and you just want to cry or scream. Trust me, I’ve been there! This goes back to putting yourself first. It’s up to you to set boundaries, be diligent with your time, hold yourself accountable and get back on track if you fall short.

I love Robin Sharma’s quote, “Don’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life”.  As we enter another new year, make it revolutionary! Don’t let this be another year where you’re kicking yourself in the ass for not handling your business.  Make a radical commitment, create a revolutionary goal that’s going to make next year the best year of your life!

The post New Year’s Revolutions (Replay) appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

When I say blue, I don’t mean clinical depression or anything that may require the help of a great therapist.  I just mean that the holidays don’t give me that warm and fuzzy feeling that everyone else seems to get. Call me a Scrooge, but December is my least favorite time of the year.  Although I haven’t been diagnosed with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), I am almost always on the count down until December is over.

By the time New Year’s rolls around….presto, change-o…..I’m back to my old self again 🙂 . If it’s not an option to take a long vacation in a remote area of the world where they DON’T celebrate December holidays, here are a few ways to minimize the holiday blues.

Work It Out – Yes, we’ve heard it all before…..working out increases endorphins and endorphins make you feel good (in my Halle Berry “Monster’s Ball” voice) but it’s actually true. Exercise (especially if it’s consistent) does wonders for your mood. While everyone is stuffing their face with turkey and ham, challenge yourself to get a jump-start on your fitness goals. If you can’t make it to the gym, watch a YouTube video on yoga (I love “Yoga with Adriene”) or pop in a DVD (Jillian Michaels has some great ones). You’ll experience the satisfaction of self-care and knowing that you’ve invested in your health and well-being.

Give, Give, Give – One way to get your mind and attention off yourself is to volunteer. December is a great month to volunteer your time and talents to those less fortunate.  Whatever cause you’re passionate about, probably has an organization that could use an extra set of hands during the holidays. 

Another way to give is to do an end-of-the-year purge and donate any clothes or household items that no longer serve you. As the adage goes, “one man’s junk is another man’s treasure”.  An added bonus is that you get a tax write off for your items.

Go Against the Holiday Status Quo – OK, so this next one is going to require some strength.  But here it goes…….don’t feel obligated to participate in all the pageantry of the holidays. This means gift exchanges, buying gifts, sending cards, potlucks, cooking a big meal, wearing ugly ass sweaters that your Aunt Sophie knitted, watching holiday movies, singing carols, overeating and the list goes on.  Society puts this pressure on us but it doesn’t mean, we have to take it.  

Sure, some people might call you Scrooge and say that you don’t have the holiday spirit, but if it makes you feel less stressed or anxious, who cares?  Give yourself permission to order a pizza on Christmas Eve, or watch scary movies, or whatever floats your boat. You have to look out for yourself and if having a non-traditional holiday season puts you in a better mental space, then go for it! You don’t owe anyone an apology for not following the holiday status quo.

Focus on the New Year – Make it your personal mission to focus on what’s beyond the holidays: a brand spanking new year full of opportunities. Decide what you what to do and what you want to accomplish next year and put your time and energy into strategizing for a kick-ass new year. Want to travel abroad in the coming year? Start researching flights, hotels, tourist attractions, restaurants, etc.  Want to change careers? Start researching associations, job boards, staffing firms, and target companies. Schedule January coffee dates with people you know who are already in that space to pick their brains.

Work on making a vision board or any other project that can get you ready to live your best year ever. Do whatever planning and legwork during December so that you’re ready to move forward with action in January.

If you think, feel or believe that you make be experiencing more than just the holiday blues, please do not hesitate to take care of yourself by seeking a therapist. But if you are experiencing mild winter blues, just know that this too shall pass…..

The post Holiday Blues (Replay) appeared first on Coach Von Simmons.

Coaching clients often ask, “How will I know when it’s time to start dating again after a break-up?” This is a classic question and one that is 100% subjective. I’ve heard silly things like waiting one-fourth of the time of the relationship (for example, if you dated 4 years, then wait 1 year before you begin dating again) or “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new”. I disagree 100%.

But the decision of when to date again depends on several factors. The biggest factor is “self-awareness”. Eckhart Tolle says that, “Awareness is the greatest agent for change”. If you’re interested in NOT repeating patterns of former relationships and laying a new foundation for who and how you date, you must first be aware of your motives and rationale for diving back into dating. 

Here are some things to ask yourself before deciding whether it’s time to move forward or just chill and heal for a bit longer. As usual, be honest with yourself: Why do you want to date again?

1. Are you trying to get over your ex? Some people prefer to jump back into the dating scene right away, to get over their ex. From my experience (and the experience of my clients), this could lead to temporary, rebound relationships and the hurt feelings and disappointment that come with them. Allow yourself some additional time to heal from the previous situation before diving into something new.
2. Are you trying to fill a void? If you’re dating because you’re trying to fill a void in your life, consider another alternative. Better yet, take some time to figure out exactly what’s missing in your life BEFORE you recruit someone to fill that void. It could be boredom (get a new hobby). It could be feeling insecure without a man (love yourself first). And it could be that you’re missing sex (there are plenty of toys that can do the trick and take the edge off WITHOUT the risk and drama). Another human being is NOT a temporary placeholder that you can plug and play when you need to fill a void.
3. Are you whole by yourself? I hate the notion that a relationship “completes us”. Bullshit! You need to be whole and healthy and in love with yourself whether you have a significant other or not. Relationships should supplement all the good stuff we already have going on. If you feel less than whole, work on building yourself up before you begin to date. Figure out what that means for you (it’s different for everyone) but you owe it to yourself to fill your own cup and date from your overflow.
4. Can you share your story without getting emotional? At some point in the first few dates, you may be asked one of the infamous questions like, “What happened?” or “Why did your last relationship end”? Can you give a high-level overview of the situation without getting misty-eyed? I say “high-level” because the person you’re on the date with does NOT need to know all the messy details when you’re on the first few dates. This is not an invitation to vent. If you can something like, “We cared about each other but we had different values and wanted different things in a relationship” instead of “He was a total asshole, liar and a cheater”.

I once went on a date and spent the entire time ugly crying (literal tears) about my ex. The guy I was on the date with was a sweetheart, trying to comfort me while convincing the waiter that he was not the reason I was crying. Of course, I never heard from him again.

In essence, only YOU can decide when the time is right to begin dating again. Whatever your motives are, be transparent with the other person before things start to move too fast. One date could easily turn to two or three and the next thing you know, you’re in a relationship at best or a “situationship” at worst. Practice self-awareness. Hold yourself accountable. Be wise and guard your heart…..not just from others but from your own justifications.

“Yes, love yourself. But also, analyze and be critical of how you think, act and behave. Self-love without self-awareness is useless. Be accountable.”

– Unknown

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As the days went on it became harder and harder. I was thinking of going back to him since he had proclaimed to change. Of course, I did what most of us do….I poured my heart out to my closest girlfriends. While a couple of them judged me for even thinking about it, one of my friends gave me a piece of advice that I will never forget. She said something to the extent of, “Don’t make a decision now because you’re in pain. Give yourself 2 solid weeks of no contact and then see how you feel. You owe it to yourself to spend this time and space on YOU….before you decide.”

Sadly, I did not take my friend’s advice. I satisfied the immediate emotional longing and hoped that the misalignment of values would be corrected by my partner. I went back to this man. His lifestyle choice did not change as he promised. I was mentally kicking myself in the ass for compromising my values. As Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time”. I eventually ended the relationship a second time (for real, for real).

In hindsight, I think that two weeks would have made such a difference. I believe that giving myself the gift of time and space would have allowed me to:

1. Focus on my own healing, maybe seeking a coach to help me move forward.
2. Celebrate my self-discipline muscle getting stronger every day.
3. Express gratitude that I saw this nonsense BEFORE marriage and children.
4. Focus on lessons learned and how I can use those lessons in the future.
5. Not beat myself up for not seeing my exes’ lie sooner.
6. Indulge in a deeper level of prayer, meditation, and personal development.

The list of the ways that I could have maximized that time and space could go on and on. Although we can’t change the past, hopefully, this post will help someone else take the time and space needed to make potentially life-changing decisions.

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Perhaps one of the hardest pills to swallow is that despite how much love and devotion the relationship exudes, we don’t own each other.  In theory, this seems like a no-brainer but if we’re really being honest, how much of our behavior indicates our subconscious belief that we actually own another human being.  Hell, our children do not even belong to us, when we really think about it.

I believe that we all are extensions of Universe/Spirit/Source/God/Allah or whatever name we call our Higher Power. We are simply here to love and take care of one another in our individual journeys through life. Our relationships are not permanent. They are seasonal and are designed to teach us lessons. No matter how strong the bond, we should all feel freedom in those relationships and not feel weighed down, tied to or guilt for wanting to leave. 

Paulo Coelho drives this point home in his book, “Eleven Minutes”. It’s about a young girl who experiences love, heartbreak and ultimately, self-discovery. This book completely changed my perspective. Here are my favorite quotes from “Eleven Minutes” by Paulo Coelho.

• “Let us love one another, but not try to possess one another”
• “Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them”
• “At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss”
• “Really important meetings are planned by the souls long before the bodies see each other”
• “When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself”
• “In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feeling and cannot blame someone else for what we feel”
• “Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves, we simply awaken it. But to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with”
• “The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility. Anyway, if my love is real (and not just a way of distracting myself, deceiving myself, and passing the time that never seems to pass in this city), freedom will conquer jealousy and any pain it causes me since pain is also part of the natural process.”
• “Anyone who is observant, who discovers the person they have always dreamed of, knows that sexual energy comes into play before sex even takes place. The greatest pleasure isn’t sex, but the passion in which it is practiced. When the passion is intense, then sex joins in to complete the dance, but it is never the principal aim.”

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