Years ago, I was deeply in love with a partner. Every fiber of me wanted to be with this man. In my heart, I felt that we were soul mates and I had envisioned a beautiful life for us. One day, I discovered something shocking about his lifestyle that was completely against my own personal values. It was an undeniable truth that he intentionally hid from me because he knew that it was a non-negotiable for me. I immediately ended the relationship, despite his pleas to work it out (some shit you just can’t even allow yourself to work through). As the hours passed, I became so sad. My mind knew damn well that I had dodged a bullet, but my heart was longing….aching….pining for this man because of the cosmic connection that I thought we had. It was like torture not answering his calls or responding to his text messages (this is the reason I am now a big advocate of blocking exes, especially if they are persistent in not respecting your boundaries). But I did what I had to do….at first.
As the days went on it became harder and harder. I was thinking of going back to him since he had proclaimed to change. Of course, I did what most of us do….I poured my heart out to my closest girlfriends. While a couple of them judged me for even thinking about it, one of my friends gave me a piece of advice that I will never forget. She said something to the extent of, “Don’t make a decision now because you’re in pain. Give yourself 2 solid weeks of no contact and then see how you feel. You owe it to yourself to spend this time and space on YOU….before you decide.”
Sadly, I did not take my friend’s advice. I satisfied the immediate emotional longing and hoped that the misalignment of values would be corrected by my partner. I went back to this man. His lifestyle choice did not change as he promised. I was mentally kicking myself in the ass for compromising my values. As Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time”. I eventually ended the relationship a second time (for real, for real).
In hindsight, I think that two weeks would have made such a difference. I believe that giving myself the gift of time and space would have allowed me to:
- Focus on my own healing, maybe seeking a coach to help me move forward.
- Celebrate my self-discipline muscle getting stronger every day.
- Express gratitude that I saw this nonsense BEFORE marriage and children.
- Focus on lessons learned and how I can use those lessons in the future.
- Not beat myself up for not seeing my exes’ lie sooner.
- Indulge in a deeper level of prayer, meditation, and personal development.
The list of the ways that I could have maximized that time and space could go on and on. Although we can’t change the past, hopefully, this post will help someone else take the time and space needed to make potentially life-changing decisions.