Quite honestly, between Surviving R. Kelly, Abducted in Plain Sight, Fyre, The Ted Bundy Tapes, and You, I am fucking fed up with manipulative, toxic, power-hungry, egotistical, fragile little boys masquerading as men. And yes, before folks respond about double standards, women can also have these same asshole characteristics.
Aside from the manipulation, lies, and mind games, one of the other common traits among all the leading characters of those documentaries (and of countless more real-life horror stories like these) was that each of them had a larger than life perception of himself. Enter narcissism…
Most of us have heard the mythological Greek story about a young, beautiful hunter named Narcissus who became utterly obsessed with the gorgeous image that he saw in a pond. He was literally so mesmerized by the image that he sat by the pond day and night. It is said that he believed this image was his true love and he stayed at the pond because he was afraid that the image would leave him. Unbeknownst to him, the image that he fell in love with was his own reflection. Fast forward years later, psychologists coined the term “narcissist” to describe someone who is fixated with themselves. This fixation doesn’t necessarily have to be based on their looks or appearance. It is a bonafide personality disorder that is distinguished by a grandiose or inflated sense of self-importance.
In society, we use the term narcissist to describe someone who is extremely self-centered. Now, I’m no psychologist but I’ve been around long enough to spot some characteristics of people who may have some narcissistic tendencies. This doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner has a personality disorder but they may have some traits that signify that his or her self worth may be perceived as superior (not equal) to yours in the relationship. Here are a few things to watch for:
- Constant Need for Attention: When I first heard Charlie Puth’s song, “Attention”, I could think of at least 2 or 3 exes (including ex-friends) that it reminded me of. Does your partner have to be the center of attention or constantly trying to steal the spotlight (even if it means stepping into YOUR spotlight)? Does he or she have an urgent and constant need for attention? Is your partner not happy unless anyone and everyone is noticing them, catering to or worshipping them? Does he or she not reciprocate the kind of attention they expect from you? If you answered “yes” to the majority of these questions, you might have a narcissist on your hands. Keep reading….
- Control & Manipulation: Narcissists love control & manipulation. Their fragile little egos eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This exertion of dominance, power, and authority feeds into the idea that they are superior and everyone (including those they claim to love) needs to bow down to them.
- Verbal Manipulation: To belittle you or to reinforce the idea that you are inferior, they might say things like:
-“Stop being so emotional” or “You’re overreacting” = your feelings aren’t valid
-“You made me yell at you” = blame
-”You’re crazy” or “It’s all in your head” = gaslighting
-“None of my other girlfriends/boyfriends were this jealous/insecure/controlling (fill in the blank)” = playing on your insecurity by comparing you to others. They may be critical about your appearance or anything about you that might make you feel a little less confident.
-And let’s not forget the classic “You don’t love me”. They say this as an effort to get the attention off of their bullshit so you can spend the next half an hour coddling them and convincing them that you do.
- Withdrawal/Passive Aggressiveness: Don’t be surprised if a narcissist walks out of the house during a conversation, especially if you’re challenging them. Or they may give you the silent treatment as punishment. This is their way of saying, “how dare you try to prove me wrong.”
- Lies, Lies, Lies: Oh and they lie! Narcissists lie like rugs and will deny that they said something or they will turn it around on you and say that you never listen to them! When caught in a lie, they will do whatever to deflect the fault back to you. They may even lie about little things unnecessarily to see if they are clever enough to get away with it. Don’t fall for the banana in the tailpipe.
- Jealousy and Separation: Narcissists are usually jealous and may even try to separate you from your friends and family so that they can better manipulate and control you without others seeing through their bullshit. They may demand more of your time, tell you how to dress, what to do and what not to do. This is NOT real, healthy love. IT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE. If you have noticed any of these behaviors with your partner, please know that it will not get better. Your love can’t change him or her because their “love” for you is not real. You are simply a puppet and a toy whose sole purpose is to feed their ego. I know these sound like harsh words but if you need more proof, watch the stories of the victims in the documentaries I mentioned above. If you decide to exit this situation, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) to create an exit plan. And yes, emotional abuse is still abuse.
3. Blame Game: Another sign that someone may have narcissistic tendencies is the fact that they blame everyone else for their mistakes. This refusal to accept responsibility or accountability comes from a deep desire to always be right, which is a narcissist’s way of showing that they are superior to you. They might turn on you at the drop of a dime because it’s easier to blame their partner than to accept responsibility. A genuine and authentic, “I’m sorry” is one that you will rarely (if ever) hear from a narcissist. They will always blame someone else or make themselves out to be the victim in an effort to get attention and sympathy. This blame game is their way of saying, “I’m perfect so therefore it has to be your fault”.
4. Empathy Schempathy: Another trait that seems to evade narcissist is empathy and understanding. Because they are so caught up in the sun, moon, and stars (and maybe you) revolving around them, they genuinely give zero fucks about the feelings of others. Got cramps? Who cares! Dog just died? My dog died too. Stressed out about a presentation for work? Can you stop at the store on your way home?
They may be able to fake it temporarily but actions speak louder than words so WATCH THEIR ACTIONS AND BEHAVIORS CAREFULLY, not the sugary sweet bullshit coming from their mouths. Once, I called my manager to tell her that I wouldn’t be in the office the rest of the week because I was just diagnosed with pneumonia, her response was, “Oh my God, Von, I’m so sorry. Please take care of yourself. Since you’re going to be resting anyway, can you log in and finish those client proposals? I’m swamped.” (see I told you, women can be just as much narcissistic as men).
I say all of that to say that narcissism may be tricky to recognize. If you are a fairly self-aware individual, check in with yourself to see how you feel around this person? Are you walking on eggshells most of the time? Always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do you worry that you aren’t living up to your partner’s unrealistic standards? At best, he or she may be selfish. At worst, he or should could, in fact, be a narcissist.
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