I’ve always considered myself to be a damn good friend. If you ask my friends to use an adjective to describe me, 9 out of 10 of them will most likely to say something like “giving” or “sweet” or “supportive” or “warm”. However, I have come to see a trend in my life. Subconsciously, my nurturing nature tends to attract takers.

Years ago, I had one friend who was a drama magnet. Let’s call her “Stella” (not her real name, obviously). Stella was beautiful, funny, smart and outgoing. But there was always something going on in her life, some crisis that required that I drop everything and be there for her. Sometimes, I’d spend hours on the phone with her listening to her latest drama and helping her find her way through it. Whether it was trying to interpret a boyfriend’s Jedi mind tricks or coaching her through some corporate bullshit, I supported and encouraged my friend through a plethora of situations.

But on the flip side, when I was the one who needed a listening ear or advice or someone to help me through a situation, Stella either gave minimal support or she was missing in action. I was disappointed that my friend did not give to me what I gave to her. Quite frankly, it pissed me off. Over the years, many other Stella’s came and went and each time, disappointment escalated to resentment. Here’s what I learned (and continue to learn):

It wasn’t until years later that I had an epiphany that struck me like a bolt of lightening: STOP EXPECTING. People are who they are. Either accept them or find other like-minded people. I had set myself up for disappointment by expecting people to express themselves the way I do. The Stella’s of the world aren’t bad people, they just have a different way of thinking and acting. But that’s what makes diversity so wonderful, right? We’re all different and instead of being pissed that someone didn’t remember my birthday because I remembered theirs, I have learned to give people the benefit of the doubt and let it go.

I also realized and accepted that I AM ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHAT I GIVE. At any given time, I could have chosen to NOT answer the phone when Stella called, or I could have said “NO” when she needed something. Better yet, I could have chosen to invest my time, energy and effort to myself or a healthier, non-codependent friendship. I should not have been disappointed or resentful towards any of the Stella’s that I subconsciously invited into my life. I should have accepted responsibility for my acceptance of those relationships.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should expect full reciprocity when you give. But there is nothing wrong with having the confidence that you can count on someone as well. IT’S OK TO BE MINDFUL OF WHO YOU HAS YOUR BACK. In fact, it’s self-care. Life is full of Stella’s, it’s just the yin-yang dynamic of relationships but if you don’t protect your energy, who will?

This is a lesson that I have learned but am still learning. As the quote goes,

“When you learn to accept, instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.”