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How’s your 2021 going so far? Now that we are over the Capitol bullshit and have basked in Inauguration Bliss, hopefully, we are back to our high-vibe selves and ready to crush our 2021 goals. I want to share my 2 cents about the key ingredient to goal execution.  Committing to a goal or habit is all about making a conscious and intentional effort to fully embody the essence of the goal.  BEFORE YOU BEGIN TO WORK TOWARDS YOUR GOAL(S), BECOME THE PERSON WHO DOES WHAT YOU ASPIRE TO DO By “becoming the person”, I mean that you genuinely become the person who does what you want to do (none of that “fake it til you make it” bullshit).  It means that your values, behaviors, and habits come into alignment with the vibration of what you want.  Make it as second nature and non-negotiable as showering or brushing your teeth. This one ingredient is the bridge between who you are and who you want to be. You Have to Embody Your Goal (or Cher – whatever works for you) Here’s an example: If your goal is to write the great American novel, ask yourself  “What do writers do?”  Nine times out the ten, they write every day (even if it’s just a paragraph, even if it’s not excellent). Then make the decision to become a person who writes every single day. Again, this should be as non-negotiable as showering and brushing your teeth. If someone says asks what you do, your answer should be “I’m a writer”. Nevermind that you make a living as a Starbucks barista. YOU ARE A WRITER. YOU DO THE THINGS THAT WRITERS DO. WRITING IS PART OF YOUR ESSENCE.If you don’t know what those things are (besides writing), ask other writers. If you don’t know any writers, there is a wealth of information on Al Gore’s internet. As Iyanla says, do the work. By the way, if the idea of writing every day sounds like a burden, go back to the drawing board and ask yourself if this is a vanity goal or a values-based goal. I believe that one of the reasons people fail at new year’s resolutions is because they focus on the end result more than they focus on the journey to the goal. The journey involves the small things you do every day that brings you closer and closer to becoming someone who ___________(fill in the blank).  As we move into the last few days of January, it’s likely that the vast majority of people have faltered on their goal. Don’t be one of those people 🙂

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As we all reflect and begin to prepare to glide into a brand new year, you will likely think of what you want 2021 to look like. You may have a fresh vision for what you want to achieve in the new year or you may also consider repurposing 2020’s new year resolutions.

Whether we call them resolutions, intentions, manifestations, or goals, don’t forget that fulfilling them requires some “quid pro quo.”  In other words, you have to give something to get something. You have to leave something behind in order to gain something. 

• Want to be an early riser? You may have to give up staying awake until midnight binging The Office.
• Want to read more books in 2021? You might have to give up some movie time to accomplish this OR you may have to consider investing in Audible so that you can get through books during your commute or while you’re working out.
• Want to drink more water? You’ll have to give up your 3-Pepsi-a-day routine.
•  Want a healthier, happier relationship? Well, you already know what I’m going to say … if you’ve done all you can do, it might be time to think about saying “goodbye.”

Nine times out of ten, the things we need to give up are connected to an expired mindset, habit, or belief. So it makes sense to take an inside-out approach by transforming said expired mindset, habit or belief BEFORE you dive into your 2021 achievements. 

So, my friend, I ask you, what expired habits, mindsets, and beliefs will you leave behind as you advance towards your resolutions, intentions, manifestations, or goals?

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1. Give yourself a social media shoutout – Don’t worry that people might think you sound self-centered. Pat yourself on the back for whatever you are proud of. If it’s writing your first blog post or just getting 8 hours of sleep, celebrate yourself! You deserve kudos just as much as the person posting pics of their ugly Christmas sweaters – lol

2. Create a new ritual – This could be something that you do every time you have a victory or achievement in your life. Make it something fun that you’ll look forward to. For example, your ritual might be a champagne toast. Another ritual could be taking a weekend trip (when outside opens up again). Buy new bras and panties. You could also take your sweet time doing your hair and make-up, get dressed in an outfit that makes you feel amazing, and ask someone to take photos of you. You’d be amazed at how a genuinely joyful smile comes through in photos.

3. Buy yourself some beautiful flowers  – I love, love, love having beautiful flowers in my home. They make me smile almost every time I walk past them. You don’t have to wait for someone to give you flowers on a special occasion. Get them for your damn self. Waking up to live another day is a special occasion. Try different varieties or get your go-to favs. 

4. Write a love letter to yourself – This one might sound like it might be awkward but trust me, it’s worth a try. For me, I try to write it from the perspective of the Creator/Universe, a higher power that knows me intimately. Write about all the things you love about yourself … things like how you always keep a little cash on you to give to someone who may be homeless, or maybe how you remember all your friends’ birthdays, or how you worked up the nerve to leave a situation that caused you more headaches than happiness.

5. Spend a day (or at least 2 hours) doing whatever the hell you want to do – If you have little ones, this might require a sitter. But if you can swing it, try to block out time to read a book, watch a movie, take a nap, listen to your favorite playlist of songs, do a self-guided walking tour of a beautiful neighborhood in your city, take a candle-lit bubble bath with scented candles.

With all the hustle and bustle going on, don’t forget to CELEBRATE YOURSELF!!!! You deserve it! Even if you haven’t had some grand accomplishment, just being able to maintain your mental health and move through this world with a little bit of poise is a bigger accomplishment than you know!

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1. “You Teach People How to Treat You” (lots of people take credit for this quote but I first heard it from Maya Angelou): Recently a friend commented on how much I had changed since she and I met close to 15 years ago. She said, “You are not the same person you were when you were with ‘X’, that’s for sure”.  

At that moment, I thought about how much shit I took from “X” and how many chances I gave him.  Of course, after I hit my bullshit limit, I left.  My therapist recommended that I make a list of all of “X’s” bad behavior. Looking at that long ass list in black and white was eye-opening. But I had to take accountability as well. 

One of the things I realized was that I had taught him how to treat me. Tolerating all of the bad behavior and giving him multiple chances showed him that it was ok to do exactly what he was doing…..so he continued again, and again, and again. And I forgave…..again, and again, and again. People only do things they believe they can get away with.  He knew that he could come back and say all the right things (another lesson: actions speak louder than words) without truly making the changes needed to maintain a healthy relationship. 

My friend was right. I would NEVER tolerate some of the things I did back then. It took another relationship after this one for me to truly learn this but eventually, the lesson stuck. And this lesson, like so many others, is the foundation of a whole new set of non-negotiable standards that I still live by to this day.


2. Reciprocation – Ok, here’s my disclaimer: Not everyone is going to love the EXACT way that you love. They may express their love in a different way (everyone has a different love language) but it still counts. What is NOT ok is when you give 100% of yourself to people who can barely give you 25%.  

Years ago, I had a friend who was a drama magnet. Let’s call her “Y”. “Y” was beautiful, funny, smart, and outgoing.  But there was always something going on in her life, some crisis that required that I drop everything and be there for her. Sometimes, I’d spend hours on the phone with her listening to her latest drama and helping her find her way through it. Whether it was trying to interpret a boyfriend’s Jedi mind tricks or coaching her through some corporate bullshit, I supported and encouraged my friend through a plethora of situations.

But on the flip side, when I was the one who needed a listening ear or advice or someone to help me through a situation, “Y” either gave minimal support or she was missing in action. It was disappointing to realize that the golden rule did not apply to “Y”.  

It’s not about going tit for tat or keeping a tally of who did what. It’s about having the conviction that you are worth as much as you give. I learned that it’s ok to leave a situation in which you are not getting nearly as much as you give. Relationships are investments, with rewards and risks. If the other party in the relationship wants the reward but isn’t willing to give a moderate investment and take a risk, you have to decide if you are ok with the imbalance and unrequited effort. 

We learn a ton of lessons throughout our lives. Some lessons, we learn right away. Other lessons require us to learn and re-learn them a few times before it sticks. But our connections to others and the lessons we learn during those interactions are invaluable building blocks for our character.  For that, I hope that we all are grateful 🙂

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Last year, two intuitive psychics and one numerologist foresaw “555” for me which means that major changes were coming.  I was told that 2020 would be the most difficult year of my life. Guess what? They were right!  

It began with a decision to separate from my husband (yep, I followed my own insight from “The Goodbye Guide”-more on this later). A couple of weeks after that, I had a car accident (I wasn’t hurt but my Jeep took a hit). A couple of weeks after that, I rushed my husband to the ER due to a stroke). The next day, we went into escrow on our condo we were selling. 

A few weeks after that, I got a call from my doctor re: an open surgery time slot that I desperately needed to relieve the chronic pain that I lived with from adenomyosis and fibroids. Throughout my recovery, I still managed to work on my dissertation, schedule PT and SLP appointments for my husband, make arrangements to get repairs done on our condo in preparation for closing and pack up in preparation for our move. Speaking of move, I also decided to bid adieu to San Diego and head north to Los Angeles to begin again.

Woo! I’m exhausted just writing about it. Anyhoo, most of these transitions were the result of some pretty intense soul searching and manifestation. I had some tough decisions to make in my eternal journey for self-advocacy and designing (and redesigning) my life with an end goal of fulfilling my soul purpose. 

As we enter the fourth and final quarter of the year, I encourage you to do some soul searching about your own life design. Take inventory of your current life experience.

• What mindsets have held you back this year? 
• Are you practicing consistent self-care (and no, I don’t just mean bubble baths and manicures)
• Are you working someplace where you are celebrated (not just tolerated)? 
• Have you outgrown friendships or romantic relationships that you still hold on to? 
• Are you making excuses and justifications for people who behave badly? 
• Are you tolerating stuff that just doesn’t sit well with your spirit? 
• Are you steadfast in protecting your boundaries? 
• Hell, for that matter are you honoring the boundaries you’ve created for yourself?

I ask myself these type of questions on the regular and I encourage you to do the same. 2021 will be here before we know it so let’s make the rest of this year count and begin breaking up with our bullshit (relationships, jobs, mindsets – whatever doesn’t serve you) so that we don’t carry it into the new year. As always, I am only a DM or text message away if you need a break-up sherpa for the journey.

Last year, two intuitive psychics and one numerologist foresaw “555” for me which means that major changes were coming.  I was told that 2020 would be the most difficult year of my life. Guess what? They were right!  

It began with a decision to separate from my husband (yep, I followed my own insight from “The Goodbye Guide”-more on this later). A couple of weeks after that, I had a car accident (I wasn’t hurt but my Jeep took a hit). A couple of weeks after that, I rushed my husband to the ER due to a stroke). The next day, we went into escrow on our condo we were selling. 

A few weeks after that, I got a call from my doctor re: an open surgery time slot that I desperately needed to relieve the chronic pain that I lived with from adenomyosis and fibroids. Throughout my recovery, I still managed to work on my dissertation, schedule PT and SLP appointments for my husband, make arrangements to get repairs done on our condo in preparation for closing and pack up in preparation for our move. Speaking of move, I also decided to bid adieu to San Diego and head north to Los Angeles to begin again.

Woo! I’m exhausted just writing about it. Anyhoo, most of these transitions were the result of some pretty intense soul searching and manifestation. I had some tough decisions to make in my eternal journey for self-advocacy and designing (and redesigning) my life with an end goal of fulfilling my soul purpose. 

As we enter the fourth and final quarter of the year, I encourage you to do some soul searching about your own life design. Take inventory of your current life experience.

• What mindsets have held you back this year? 
• Are you practicing consistent self-care (and no, I don’t just mean bubble baths and manicures)
• Are you working someplace where you are celebrated (not just tolerated)? 
• Have you outgrown friendships or romantic relationships that you still hold on to? 
• Are you making excuses and justifications for people who behave badly? 
• Are you tolerating stuff that just doesn’t sit well with your spirit? 
• Are you steadfast in protecting your boundaries? 
• Hell, for that matter are you honoring the boundaries you’ve created for yourself?

I ask myself these type of questions on the regular and I encourage you to do the same. 2021 will be here before we know it so let’s make the rest of this year count and begin breaking up with our bullshit (relationships, jobs, mindsets – whatever doesn’t serve you) so that we don’t carry it into the new year. As always, I am only a DM or text message away if you need a break-up sherpa for the journey.

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The problem is that other artists (of the male persuasion) have said far more outrageous things, using salacious lyrics and imagery. Jay-Z, 2Pac, Biggie Smalls, Ludacris, Nas, 2 Live Crew, Too Short, and countless others have talked about performing acts in relation to almost every part of the female and male anatomy.

Why is celebration of the penis praised but celebration of the pussy is shamed and condemned? Why is one perceived as more problematic than the other?  Why should women be held to a higher standard while men do and say whatever they want? Why is it simply labeled as “boys will be boys” or “locker room” talk?  We doubt and shame victims when they say that a man has sexually assaulted a woman (or ten). Yet, we judged the hell out of Jada Pinkett Smith about her consensual “entanglement” with August Alsina. We even have a president who literally talked about grabbing women by the pussy. So why are we condemning two empowered women who express their sexuality through art?

It’s the same reason women were not allowed to vote or own property until decades after men. It’s also the same reason why there is a blaring wage gap in the United States between men and women. It’s the reason that old white men try to dictate whether women can or cannot choose to have abortions. It’s the same reason that crime against women is less likely to get justice than crime against men. It is the reason we are satiated with the potential for justice of George Floyd but we STILL (over 150 days later) don’t have justice for Breonna Taylor. The reason is because of the double standards and utter hypocrisy of patriarchy.

At the end of the day, the song and the video are art. They are vehicles of expression meant to be consumed (or not) and not used as a way to shame, criticize, and disparage the sexuality of the artists. 

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An entanglement is a type of relationship that can be distinguished by being complicated, messy, unhealthy, and stagnant in nature. It’s often rooted in phenomena like codependency, trauma bonds, and empath/narcissist imbalance (empaths and narcissists are often attracted to one another and find themselves in entanglements due to the opposing dualities of their respective characters). Like tangled cords, people in an entanglement are enmeshed and drain the hell out of each other emotionally and energetically.

The interesting thing is that people in entanglements don’t always know that they are entangled. Maybe because they lack self-awareness. Or maybe they are unaware because they’ve attracted so many of these relationships that they see the distinctions as normal. If you believe that your relationship may actually be an entanglement, here are some ways to help you untangle yourself from the toxicity:

• Seek an objective third party such as a relationship coach or therapist (someone who has a deeper insight into what it means to have a healthy partnership). I recommend seeking this help independently first (consider this YOUR self-care). It’s important that you begin this process alone so that you can share and honor your experience and your truth without having to be filtered or selective in what you share. You can invite your partner later but start with you first because you will get a better understanding of your role as well as what and how you can heal yourself.
• Think back to how you may have gotten into an entanglement. Evaluate previous relationships, belief systems, unresolved feelings and thought processes, and possibly any dysfunction you’ve participated in or witnessed in the past. What stories have you told yourself about what a relationship looks like? What examples have you seen of this? What behaviors did you witness in your childhood that may have contributed to your belief systems? In the beginning, did you communicate your expectations and boundaries to your partner? What did you do when you noticed that your partner did not honor those boundaries or expectations. How have you maintained your independent hobbies, interests, friendships, and family bonds? Do you feel free? Could you have attracted this entanglement? How do you feel when you are alone vs. when you are with your partner?
• Spend time with couples who appear to have a healthy, loving partnership. Observe how they treat each other and how they support and respect one another. Ask questions about their shared vision and purpose for their partnership. How do they grow together and what makes their relationship work? How are they empowered individually? How are their basic needs met independently and in the relationship? How do they maintain emotional intimacy? How do they establish and maintain their personal boundaries? How do they take personal accountability in disagreements? How do they quell resentment? Don’t focus on perfection (trust me, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship because we are all flawed) but focus on progress and health. You may notice that the elements of your relationship are very different. Use this insight as a point of reference for deciding what you want and deserve long-term.
• Read personal development books about what it means to be whole and healthy independently (again, focus on yourself first) and in a partnership. Some great options are “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, “Grit” by Angela Duckworth, “ You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay, “The Value in the Valley” by Iyanla Vanzant, and “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix
• Understand that entanglements are not just exclusive to romantic relationships. You can be entangled in a work/career culture, with a toxic family, and even with fake friends you’ve known for years.

An honest and thorough evaluation is the best way to determine if you are truly in a relationship or an entanglement. If you are entangled, there is a way out. You and your partner can work to transform the dynamic of the relationship (it has to be BOTH parties, not just one of you). Or you can choose to untangle yourself by getting out of the relationship. Trust your instincts. Practice emotional and mental self-care. Pour energy and effort into healing your own wounds and twisted belief systems. Protect your peace. Don’t be afraid to rock the boat. You are worth it!

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Acknowledge That This is Temporary: This virus will not last forever! Our global community has survived countless other pandemics and we will survive this one. We are resilient and we will rise from this temporary situation like a phoenix rises from ashes!  We have the best and brightest minds in the world working around the clock to find treatments and vaccines. We just have to temporarily adapt and readjust our lifestyles to stay safe. 

Positive Self-Talk: You are your own protector.  Your best defense against the constant doomsday chatter is your own positive self-talk.  Separate the facts from the stories we tell ourselves. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can to protect yourself, physically and emotionally. Remind yourself that you everything is going to be ok. Remind yourself that you are not alone.

Limit the Amount of Media You Ingest: It might be tempting to stay glued to news 24/7 but knowing the latest numbers can actually do more harm than good because it puts you into a constant state of fear and anxiety about something that is not in your control. 

Focus on Gratitude: Take your mind off all that’s going on by counting your blessings. Keep a running list of all the things, people and situations that you’re grateful for.

Use Laughter as Medicine: Comedian Robin Williams once said, “Comedy is acting out optimism”.  Do more of what makes you laugh. Whether it’s watching a comedy on Netflix or reminiscing on funny memories with friends and family, be intentional about finding ways to laugh daily. 

Reconnect with Friends & Family: Although we’re limited in physical proximity, we have unlimited ways to connect and reconnect with one another. Call, text, direct message, or even send a letter via snail mail. Just find a way to reach out to friends and family. Also, check in on the elderly or people who may be more compromised. Share encouraging words or optimistic viewpoints.

Use Your Time Wisely: Take advantage of any extra free time. Use it as an investment in your growth and development. Read a book you’ve always wanted to read. Begin journaling. Catch up on podcasts. Listen to your favorite music. Deep clean and organize your home. Return to a hobby that you haven’t had time for in the past.

Take Care of Your Body: 

• Stay hydrated. Drink as much water as possible. It’s a great way to keep your immune stronger. 
• Move your body: Working up a good sweat can help release toxins from your system. There are plenty of free online resources (YouTube is one) that offer a variety of work outs
• Eat healthy delicious meals mindfully. Try to resist stress eating by trying to focus on eating nutrient dense foods that are good for you. Consider trying new recipes or getting creative with your favorite ingredients.
• Practice taking deep breaths when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Close your eyes, place your right hand on your heart and inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds and exhale for 8 seconds. This 4-7-8 breathing pattern is known for its relaxing effects. You can do this anytime you feel uneasy.

At the end of the day, choose hope. Author Robert Ludlam reminds us that, “Hope is the only thing stronger than fear”. We’re in this together and we will make it through to the other side of this virus…. together. 

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